VS Notes

Too Much πŸ« πŸ˜΅β€πŸ’«

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On Bespoke Fasting

I have a lot on my mind recently. Overwhelmed by all the things I’m trying to do. Learning and doing too much. My reach exceeds my grasp. All the time. I'm sick of it!

Which explains why I manage to do most none of it. I know the fast I must commit to, if I’m ever to rise above my predicaments. I must starve myself of the news, YouTube videos, alcohol and people pleasing. I’ll get into each one in some detail, a fast to ease my mind. A necessary starvation from what has no place in the life I imagine. Let’s start at the top:

The News πŸ“°

I state my hatred of the news a lot. It makes me feel horrible, suffocated, useless and longing for a different time, even for a worse one. I can cleanly divide my life pre and post news and it’s far worse post news. Especially my mental health and anxiety levels. The line does also map onto childhood and growing up, but I stand by the fact, the news is terrible for us. With my current mental health struggles, the only way ahead is quitting cold turkey. But I’ve never managed to stay away for long. It’s literally everywhere. So I look at where I read the most news and you guessed it, it’s the phone. I read the news out and about, when I have nothing else to do. To ease the downtime of waiting, the tiny periods all throughout the day. So I need to use my phone less, by making news less available there and providing a good alternative. So I got a bunch of easy to read books in quick bites, deleted my dedicated news app (the guardian) and hid Tapestry (my favorite RSS reader) from the Home screen. If I still check it I’ll delete it as well, but I’d like to believe I can have a more measured RSS reading habit. Time will tell.

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YouTube πŸ“Ί

I have ADHD and frequently get in the bad habit of leaving videos on while I do anything and everything. It's absurd how much I do it, here's a quick list - I watch videos while:

  1. editing videos
  2. creating designs
  3. coding
  4. cooking,
  5. walking around the house
  6. exercising
  7. going to the bathroom
  8. brushing my teeth
  9. journaling. It’s a problem!

I don’t follow along the video if I’m engaged in a more consuming activity, like work. Or I don’t engage in the activity I’m doing to listen to the video. Because multitasking isn’t a thing. Sometimes I combine my two bad habits and watch videos of the news. Those make me feel far worse and must be fully stopped. But I don’t hate watching history videos. I just don’t like having them on all the time. It drowns out my inner self, shortening my ideas and cramping my mind.

Alcohol πŸ₯ƒ

I don’t drink that much, it might be the least I’ve drunk in the past 5 years. But the joy I used to get out of alcohol is gone. It makes me feel bad most of the time, especially high proof alcohols. I’ve seen some joy from wine and beer this year, but none from my previous favorite, Whiskey. I’d it does me no good then it does me harm. Especially a substance that is low level poison, dehydrating me for no particular benefit but inertia. Time to go.

People Pleasing πŸ™

I have an unbeatable urge to say yes to most things people ask me to do. Regardless of my plans and often preferences. I aim to please, especially the people I care about. It’s destructive of my life, taking me away from what I enjoy, leaving my work unfinished and my time unsatisfied. I must learn to do what I wish to, not what other people wish me to. I simply have to.

I Will

In the coming week I will ramp up my output. I have ambitious ideas for both personal goals and professional ones. I am getting very close to achieving them. But I have to fight my with demons every step of the way. Wish me luckπŸ€πŸ€ž